You fill the GAAP (Generally Accepted Accounting Principles) in my heart.

Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter
If an accountant’s husband can’t get to sleep, what does he do? Leans over to his wife and says: “Tell me about work today, honey”

Top Ten Tax Tips – © David Letterman

10. Deadlines are just suggestions. File your taxes whenever you want.

9. Warlocks cannot claim trolls as dependents.

8. Make filing more personable by naming your calculator. Mine is named “Owen.”

7. Make make sure your accountant went to a real school and not a phony Internet college like I did.

6. H. Block, good guy. R.Block, complete greaseball.

5. Getting a refund? Log on to IRS.gov to spin the wheel and play “double or nothing.”

4. If you don’t remember your Social Security number, make one up.

3. Do not use Wesley Snipes’ accountant.

2. Not really a tax tip, but accountants are wild in the sack.

And the number one tax tip this year is

1. Take it from me, prison isn’t so bad.

Top 10 Pick-Up Lines of Accountants – © David Letterman

10.”You’ve got a lovely pair of W-2’s.”
9.”Please, baby, let me withhold you.”
8.”Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift.”
7.”In my office, ‘I.R.S.’ stands for ‘I’m really sexy.’ ”
6.”If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?”
5.”You’re entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income…now let’s do it.”
4.”Let’s fill out a 1040 — you’re a 10, and I’m 40.”
3.”You’re the kind of girl I could take home to mother – which is good, since I still live with her.”
2.”Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.”
1.”Nice assets.”

As presented by New York City-area accountants